Someone kindly commented on my beautiful smile in my Beyond Layers Self Portrait a few weeks ago. If only they had known what that smile cost me!
When I was 18 years old, I had major reconstructive jaw surgery to correct an open bite (as opposed to an over/under bite) and painful TMJ problems. The day before surgery, we went to a party for a cousin getting married. I was a basket case, thinking about the surgery the next day. I was in tears -- afraid of the unknown. Although I trusted Dr. Hintz, the surgeon, it was to be an 8-hour operation with 5 days in hospital and 2 months wired shut, unable to eat solid food or speak. Would the surgery even work? Hospital patients have to essentially hand over their bodies to the surgical team and nurses. That was kind of scary, too. Surgery was the last option. All other more conservative treatments had failed. I survived ... and eventually became a medical librarian due in part to my early experience with this side of the medicine.
I remember waking up after surgery and hearing someone in the next room having a terrible time, coughing and sputtering. I could hear the suctioning they had to do for him. A kid from my home town (the hospital was an hour away) had survived an awful trauma where his jaw was blown off in an explosion. I sort of knew the kid. He was a year younger than me. I realized I had been fortunate enough to have been prepared for the surgery, and 2 months recovery. I knew what to expect going into it. This kid had no idea. His life was changed in an instant. That put things into perspective for me. I really didn't have it so bad after all. I think things did turn out ok for him eventually, after multiple surgeries--at least, I hope it did.
I'm glad I faced my fears, and moved through them. Although the surgery fixed the physical and mechanical problem of my ill-fitting jaws, it took another 8 years to overcome the psychological damage years of wearing awkward mouth pieces, and learning to talk around them. I felt like a freak of nature then, and that feeling didn't go away immediately. Now I can look back at pics from those days and I can see I don't look so different from anyone else. But I sure felt like a freak. I remember thinking, "If I can just get through this, just get past the surgery, I can get on with my life and forget that troubled past. It was also the summer between high school and college. Now I can say I'm glad of the experience. It put my life on hold for a time, but it built a lot of character. That experience remains an important part of who I am. And I am grateful. ;-)
So the photo ... I think Kim Klassen had a photo of a bowl of blueberries a while back. Blueberries are one of my all-time favorite foods. So I thought I could set up my own Blueberry still life. I also liked Kim's Little Things brush / stamp for this one. While I was wired shut those 2 months after my jaw surgery, I couldn't eat any solid food, only what liquids could seep through the cracks between my teeth--not everything blends up fine enough to do that. Indeed, some things (like dumplings) plugged up those cracks, and then I had a hard time breathing. Eeesh! Something so simple as eating was not something I could participate in during that time. Do you know how many food commercials are on tv? Do you have any idea? A LOT! I was aware of every one when I could not partake.
[The content of this post originally appeared on my arts-and-crafts blog, Sweet Leaf Notebook on August 2, 2012.]
2 comments:
I can understand your pain, not just the awkward mouthpieces but also the pain of not being able to eat for two months. You know, eating is also a very social activity, and I found that I could bear to hang out with my friends for that whole summer because all the did was chat and eat snacks. One day, a friend came to visit and she brought me a McDonald's shake, which I could not drink. I almost cried at that point. Then, I did something really weird. I decided to teach myself to learn to cook so I collected about 20 books from the library, studied them from beginning to end, and I created a month's worth of menus so that I could spend my last month at home (before moving to college) just cooking. I got through that horrible two months because I was looking so forward to all the foods I would make and eat when the wires came off. This was just the beginning for me! I regularly hold cooking and eating parties with my students, and this requires a lot of planning, but I think that whole experience of being wired shut really made me appreciate food. It's funny that we each got something special out of that experience.
Thanks for sharing this. I don't think we ever talked about it--but of all people, you would know what that was about because you went through it too--at least the surgery part.
You know--I would have liked to have been an exchange student in high school, too. But they didn't know what course to take with my jaws at the time. I couldn't take a year off from the doctor's appointments. You didn't seem to have the bone deterioration I had (or maybe it never fully developed to begin with?) By the time you came along 6 years later with similar jaw problems, the course was pretty well settled, so you were free to do a year abroad, then come back to have the surgery.
So you took up cooking then ... I remember furiously crocheting that bumpy gray and maroon afghan that summer--and watching the Olympics in September. Those bumps reminded me of the barnacles on a Humpback Whale. That was a comfort to me. I still have the afghan--It's on our bed right now keeping us warm and cozy through cold winter nights.
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