37 Days

What would you do if you only had 37 days left to live? What would you be doing with the precious time you had left? and with whom?

A few years ago, I had the brilliant realization that I was not going to live forever. Feeling mortal (then), I decided that my legacy would be my art-quilts. So I was in a mad rush to finish the Oliver quilt--because no one else would be able to do it. He's my kid. When it was done--I didn't die (not yet anyway). I also realized I was spending a lot of time in my sewing room, not talking to anyone, not building the relationships with those who mattered most--my family and friends. Although I'm happy with the result, the quilt lacked CONNECTION. That's been my theme for 2008. As a result, I haven't been quilting much and communicating more.

Now, if I only had 37 days left to live, I'd forget about my day job and spend all the quality time I could with my loved ones (CL, Oliver, my parents, Gramma, Janna, SKS, Ray & Rosita, Dottie, Caroline, my Anchors). It's not rocket science--no fireworks--no trips to Disneyland. Just quality time with the people who mean the most to me. It's the relationships that matter most in this world.

This summer, I was fortunate enough to reconnect with an old friend from my early days at Summit Ave. Coop. For 36 days we spoke or emailed almost daily. On the 36th day, I left for a trip to Scotland. Those 36 days were swell! I was really HAPPY to spend so much time re-connecting with this long-lost friend. I remember being on the plane over the Altantic Ocean, thinking, if I died tomorrow (Day 37), it'd be okay. They know I love them ... We're still in contact, and I hope this friendship continues the rest of our lives. Here's to you, SKS! Thanks for coming back into my life. I'm enjoying you here in my life!

Having just 37 Days left really makes me think about what's important, and what's not.

I'd also try to prepare my loved ones for life without me. I've learned a few things in my lifetime--losing a few of the ones I've loved. I want them to know that I'll still be around them. Those who love us, love us still even after we're gone. It's kind of like in Fanny & Alexander where the Dad was there as a ghost--observing--but he couldn't talk. He still cared about his family, but he couldn't do anything but FEEL for them. I want them to know that they can still talk to me (I talk to Sandy regularly) after I'm gone. It may be hard to hear my answers, but I'll be listening--I'll still be with them as long as they need me. Keba and Sandy have both managed to communicate with me since they left--It may not be as often as I would like, and it's a different kind of listening ..... I'd tell them, "You only have to think of me and I'll be there with you. It won't be the same, but I can still be with you ..."

There was also a scene from that Isabelle Allende book / movie, House of Spirits, where the mother prepared the grand-daughter for her death. What did she say?

"Just as when we come into the world, when we die, we are afraid of the unkown. But the fear is something from within us that has nothing to do with reality. Dying is like being born : just a change." Clara said. "Death would not be a separation, but a way of being more united" (p. 290).

My best friend, Sandy, died suddenly and unexpectedly 2 months before my son was born. I never got to say goodbye. Since then, I've had many conversations with her. It's a different kind of being together, a different kind of listening for her ... I can still hear her big laugh, still hear her saying, "I'm proud of you," and "Buttonsth" [sic]. She's still there when I really need her.

Part of that realization last summer was also a need to set down my family stories and lessons learned--the things I want my kid to know and remember after I'm gone. So I started this Hidden Passages Blog as a gift to my loved ones--friends and family alike.

Kate Bush sings, "These moments given are a gift from time. Just let us try to give the moment back to those we love, to those who will survive" (Moments of Pleasure).

Glen Phillips "Last Sunset"

The Popcorn Trout Incident

Just look at that gorgeous Rainbow Trout skin! Is there anything prettier in this world?


Me with one of the beloved rainbow trout.

At our house, CL does most of the cooking. But every once in a while, I get back into the kitchen just to prove I can still make a favorite meal.

One weekend, we'd gotten groceries, and I wanted to make trout ... We'd also purchased popcorn, and CL transferred it from the plastic bag to a glass jar for preservation, but it didn't all fit. So I left the remainder in the bag on the stove as a reminder to pop this batch of corn later that evening ...

Later that day, I got the trout ready and put it in the oven to bake. After a while, I heard a popping noise and checked the fish. I saw popped white popcorn kernals in the bottom of the oven with more popping by the second ... Puzzled, I asked CL, "Why is there popcorn in the bottom of the oven?" By then it had started to smoke ... I turned off the oven and went for a walk to sort all this out.

The bag with the remaining popcorn melted from the hot air coming up through the vent on top of the old stove. The loose popcorn fell down the vent into the hot oven and popped.

I cleaned out the popcorn and finished baking the fish a little while later. We had a nice trout dinner--sans popcorn.

Oliver's Green Tea

One summer, when Oliver was 2 or 3, he decided to make some "green tea ..."

One day, I made my usual cup of tea, but it just didn't taste right ... so I dumped it out and made a new cup. The second one also tasted funny. So I decided to replace the water in the tea kettle.

To my surprise, when I dumped out the tea-kettle, pea pods fell out! Oliver had stuffed the tea kettle with pea pods--unbeknownst to the rest of us. Eeesh!

Fall Color 2008

I went home to Polar, WI, this past weekend. I always like to see the Fall Color right around my birthday, so I make the trek home. These are pictures from my Dad's woods, which he gets to walk in every day with the dogs. Enjoy!

Gramma's Potato Salad

Gramma's Potato Salad is a family institution. When she's not around to make it anymore, it just won't be the same. These days, she "directs" the making of it. She has a hard time cutting up the potatoes now ... (She's 80 yo.)

Gramma Pickles' Potato Salad

Ingredients :
Russett Potatoes, diced and boiled
Boiled eggs, peeled and diced
Chopped Onion

Dressing :
Miracle Whip (no substitutions or you'll hear about it)
Cider Vinegar
Sugar
Milk (Gramma says whole milk is best)
Paprika
Parsley
Pepper and salt

Mix all ingredients according to taste. There are no exact measurements with Gramma's cooking. You just add ingredients, and make adjustments until it's right.

Balm of Gilead - Balsam Poplar

One day in the Highlands of Scotland, I looked down to find a bunch of leaves on the ground from my all-time favorite tree --the Balsam Poplar. I think it might be in the cottonwood family. I know these leaves by their wonderful smell--the backs are streaked (but not sticky) with this wonderful bronze resin. If I could bottle this scent, I'd wear it--and I'm not much for perfumes.

These are pretty common trees in Northern Wisconsin. It's also known as The Balm of Gilead for it's healiong properties--whatever they are. My dad cuts these wonderful trees down for "popple."

Anchors

My friend J has a theory that certain people in our lives act as anchors--no, not that they weigh us down. Rather, these are the people that we connect with so effortlessly, people who help us find our true selves, people who bring us back to ourselves when we run astray/aground. These are the people who remain important to us, even though the distances of time and space may seem overwhelming. It's more like these people are the little bit of weight that keeps a kite from flying off and out of control .... We still get to fly, but they keep us grounded (in a good way) and tethered to home.

For me, Sandy was an anchor. So are CL, J, SKS, Caroline, Dottie, DO, Sinden, DMJ.

Thank you to all my Anchors. I wouldn't still be here without you. I only hope I can return the favor.

That was Your Mother ... with an AK-47

My friend J was a sharp shooter in the Coast Guard. Her husband came upon this semi-automatic AK-47 in his line of work. One day while I was visiting, we got to shoot it ... I know it was kind of a rush. Can't remember what the kickback was like now, or if it tended to jam ... At the time, we were preparing to move to Alaska where we knew we'd be hunting some of our food. That never quite happened, but we were preparing!



This is one of my husband's favorite pictures of us loading the magazine clips with ammunition--while wearing sun dresses and sipping juice. Seems like an unlikely juxtoposition, but we did it that summer's day.

When Opportunity Knocks, Take the Wilderness Tour!

In 2004, J and I were visiting Scotland for the 1st time (not to be the last). One day, we had planned to ride the Inverness City Bus Tour to several sites that day including Cawdor Castle (with links to MacBeth) just outside of town. When we were passing through the lobby of the Scottish Youth Hostel at Inverness, a woman was there looking for a few people she was supposed to pick up for a Wilderness Tour. They were no where to be found. So she asked if WE would be interested ... We said we had plans and a budget for the day ... She made us a deal we could not refuse. We went on this Wilderness Tour for something like 8 Pounds (Normally 35 Pounds for the same tour). The only catch was that we had to be back by 2 pm to catch her mini-van down to beautiful Glen Affric.

We did see Cawdor Castle--briefly, and made if back in time for the Glen Affric Wilderness Tour. It was absolutely GORGEOUS country. I felt all my stresses melt away on that trip. The pain in my neck subsided. I'd read a card in the seat pocket ahead of me that the company started because the owners knew people (specifically world leaders) with stressful, high-power jobs needed a way to de-stress. What better way to get grounded than in Nature? It worked for me! I realized, then, too that this was something that had been missing from my life since moving to Oshkosh. In Madison, I had my favorite natural places ... and I went to them regularly, but had not found comparable haunts in the Fox Valley.


On the drive back, we stopped at the edge of a field to watch deer having their evening dinner at dusk. I used to do that at Cherokee Marsh outside of Madison just about once a week ...

To this day, J and I are convinced that this trip was a gift from J's Gramma, Erma Kerska who died a few years ago. For about 25 years, she lived alone in a cabin in the north woods of Wisconsin. She had a great appreciation for the Wilderness--with a shotgun by the front door. This trip was not one we planned, but it was exactly what we needed. And Erma knew it!

This tour guide happened to be English, working in Inverness. On the weekend, she was going to be teaching a folk dancing class at Findhorn. She invited us to tag along. We had been trying to figure out how we would get there and finally gave up. We'd already made plans to go to The Isle of Skye for the weekend.

You don't have to take every opportunity put in your path. But it is certainly worthwhile to take advantage of some of the opportunities that come our way. You may be pleasantly surprised!

Caledonia / Scotland

I just got back from my 2nd trip to Scotland. Sigh! J and I actually climbed up to the top of this hill on the Bay of Uig, at the tip of The Isle of Skye. Watched kayakers below us in the water until the clouds came down on us. Neat experience!

I should state that I was able to return to Scotland because my husband won a trip for 4 to London last summer because he bought the last Harry Potter book from our local bookstore. This was a huge deal last summer, and the local Rotary Club offered this prize trip to London for 4 to see the Harry Potter sites. We decided to take the money and build our own trips ... CL and Oliver went to Japan (Land of Pokemon). I went back to Scotland with J. My thanks to The Oshkosh Rotarians!

If you've never been to Scotland, here's a song that will help explain what Scotland means to me, how I miss it, how it feels like home ... Enjoy!

Dougie MacLean's Caledonia



If anyone is interested, here's a link to the Photo Album on Picassa of this most recent trip. Lots of hill walking through those vast green countrysides. Scotland has more sheep than people ...


Near Uig (pronounced Oo-ig) on The Isle of Skye. This is the road to The Faery Glen ... Hey there's a reason I don't vacation in the Carribean ... As a Child of the North, I melt in the sun. I love these cloudy changing skies. Don't even mind the rain.

Here's another song that sums the trip up for me :

"I spent my life watching sky and sea change color
Hypnotized by the beauty of it all
And you ask me why I'm singing
Well, it's good for me. It can be good for you ..."
--Hothouse Flowers, "Good for You"