Spring Awakening & Reconciliation

[Image by Debbie Fischer from here. Used by permission with my gratitude.]

"Every now and again the compressing folds of time touch and prompt a memory sparkle, sometimes inducing sadness, and sometimes a private smile that carries [me] for a moment before disappearing again ..." --Fish (the Rockstar)

Do you remember Tony Moore? [No, not that Tony Moore ...] He was that set designer/theatre guy I fell for in college at UW-River Falls in 1989. It was a beautiful, gorgeous pink and sparkly Spring that I don't ever want to forget. I was so young, just 18 years old. He was a student of 26. We got to know each other in 40+ hours in the scene shop, building the set for Joe Egg. On the night of strike, after the last show, when everyone else had gone, he kissed me. I was in 7th heaven! In May, 2 weeks later, we stood under these exploding pink crab apple trees while the sun went down, and the moon and stars came up. [Talk about a magical set!] We talked about our futures--apart. He was encouraging and supportive and tried to be kind ... He broke my heart back then, but I understand why he had to do it : I had things to do, a life to lead, places to see ... and so did he. He gave me my freedom.

Anyway, he's been in the dog house for the last 20 years of my mind, or pushed down so as not to think about him at all. They say when we fall in love, we fall in love with the way the other person makes us feel. He made me feel like I'd never felt before ... Of course I wanted more--who wouldn't? But I couldn't have more, so I buried it. But those buried pieces kept sending up shoots and runners that would not be ignored ...

About 2 years ago, CL was cutting some fresh lumber in the front yard--the smell of that fresh-cut lumber brought me back to the scene shop at UW-RF, and my lovely spring romance. So I re-read my journals, and realized, yes, that spring was sweet, but there was way more hurt there in the year of separation after. Even just 2 years ago, when I thought of TM, I would argue with him in my head. Knowing that wouldn't go anywhere, I eventually buried it again.

Something shifted this summer. I had a dream about TM, and although I don't remember any real words, the general feeling was Reconciliation. He didn't apologize (and neither did I), but the feeling is very different now. It's hard to explain ... I wonder where he is now? First kiss. If he hadn't been that, I'd probably have forgotten about him. That was another defining moment / turning point in my life. Because of all the problems with my jaws in high school, I felt like a freak--The Elephant Woman with people staring at me. Even after the jaw surgery fixed the physical problem, I still had psychological scars. I did not feel beautiful or attractive or desirable--even though looking at pictures from that time, I just looked pretty normal. Tony Moore gave me a glimpse that I was not a freak, though it took many more years for me to really GET it. Tony had a way of just watching me walk across a room with true appreciation and pleasure--not at all leering, or lascivious, nor did he want anything from me. He just enjoyed what he saw in me. That was a precious gift for me. I liked his eyes on me; I felt comfortable with him. That was entirely new for me. In 40+ hours in the scene / set shop for Joe Egg, we got to know each other. He was funny, handsome, and talented. He would say hilarious things, and none of the other students would understand he was making a joke. All that to say it was a mutual attraction. I liked him too.

Now I'm older, I can look back on those situations and yes, I remember my own hurt, but I can better see what the other person was going through, too. Compassion. It was hard for him, too. He liked me, just didn't realize I was so young. He didn't write me at all that summer -- and when we got back to school in the fall, of course I was hurt and angry and still wanted to be with him. He had broken it off before it started ... but now I remember him coming to the reference desk at the library where I was working when Mike A. (the computer guy) was there. He was talking to Mike, and looking at me the whole time with a pained look on his face. Now, I understand that he just wanted to be near me, but he couldn't approach me alone ... Now I'd probably say, "Let's go for a walk, Ton. Seems like you have something to say ..." At the time, I think I probably escaped to the bathroom. It was just too hard to be that close to him, and not hug him. There were a few other incidents like that. I didn't understand what was happening then, or how to handle it. I was too hurt and dejected. It was hard for him to turn me away--for my own good. He liked me too.

I wish we had found a way to enjoy each other AND get our schoolwork done. I wish we'd have been able to get to know each other better ... I really did enjoy his company, his sense of humor, his soft voice--not to mention his good looks. It was more than infatuation for me, or I wouldn't be reflecting on it 20 years later. Sigh! But then, as they say, "a kiss is just a kiss."

It's a defining moment for me because I soldiered on and built my life as I wanted, as he ordered me to do back then. I couldn't wait for him. He wouldn't let me do that. Back then, too, I didn't know how to handle the situation. It wasn't so much rejection as redirection. But at the time, it sure felt like rejection. In later years with bad relationships, I learned how to let go and not look back, learned what I wouldn't put up with in a relationship. It worked because I'm not pining away for any of those guys. Tony was special for me. There were some firsts, some really wonderful memories that I don't want to forget. Those are the parts I don't want to let go of. I finally let go of the anger and the hurt ... That feels GREAT! I will savor the sweetness. TM is part of my story. He is written into the threads of my life. I don't have to give that up. ;-)

Thanks for the memories, Ton! I'm glad you were part of it. I hope you are well and that you've found someone to share your heart with.

Now, 20 years later, what I really want to do is give him the update on my life, tell him how things have turned out for me so far, and hear his adventures, too. I honestly wish him well. I wish him Love, Abundance, Happiness. All things good.

None of this should matter now that I've got a whole other life with a well-matched husband. I'm happy, and grounded. Except that it DOES matter ... Anyway, I just hope that Mr. Moore feels the shift in energies through the Force (I'm talking Star Wars here), because I'll likely never get the chance to tell him myself.

A big day for the inner life.